When to walk away from a sexless marriage!
Is a sexless marriage a good reason to divorce, especially if you're compatible and still love your spouse? Divorce is a serious matter and not a decision to be taken lightly, but can an asexual marriage survive?
Although rarely discussed openly, sexless marriages in the United States are probably more common than you might think. One clue that this is the case is that "sexless marriage" is the most frequently searched marriage-related topic on Google. 
That said, researchers have compiled data seeking to quantify the sex life of the average American. These studies define an asexual marriage as one in which a couple has sex less than 10 times a year.
In their 2017 study in Personality Science and Social Psychology, they found that, on average, couples had sex once a week. That's considered normal.
The effects of a sexless marriage on men
Generally speaking, men have been programmed and culturally conditioned to want regular sex. Believe me, very few men will be happy to live in a sexless marriage for an extended period.
Over time, it may be the reason why a man asks for a separation or divorce, or how he justifies seeking physical intimacy and sex outside of his marriage.
The effects of an asexual marriage on a husband include:
- sexual frustration
- Low self-esteem
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Anger
- Bitterness
- Feelings of castration
- Prostate cancer
Wait?! Prostate cancer? A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association He found that frequent ejaculation may reduce the risk of prostate cancer.
The effects of a sexless marriage on women
For a woman, an asexual marriage erodes her feelings of love, affection, connection, intimacy, and sometimes even loyalty. Physical intimacy (including physical contact and sex) helps people feel part of a couple or family, and the lack of it makes women feel deprived and isolated.
A wife may suffer all the psychological damages listed in the section for men (above, except for prostate cancer and castration), but other effects may include body image problems and lack of self-confidence.
Should you get a divorce because of a sexless marriage?
Most married couples experience some dry spells. This can happen even within a perfectly healthy relationship according to the ordinary stresses, trials, and tribulations of life.
Sometimes, however, a normal dry spell lasts long enough to become a full-blown sexless marriage, and that is cause for greater concern.
If having an intimate relationship, including sex, is important to you, and your spouse is not satisfying your need for intimacy, then you may wonder if it is time to consider divorce.
However, divorce is a serious matter and not a decision to be taken lightly. Below, we've compiled seven signs to help you decide when to consider leaving a sexless marriage.
7 signs you should consider divorce because of your asexual marriage
- His partner refuses to work on the issue
- You have other major relationship problems (such as a lack of love)
- You and your partner have incompatible sexual interests
- Their sexless marriage has led to infidelity.
- Their communication skills or those of their partner are poor
- Your spouse is a sex addict
- Romantic, emotional, and sexual intimacy has disappeared from their marriage
1. Your partner refuses to work on the issue
Having a spouse who refuses to work on the issue is a major red flag that the marriage will remain asexual.
It turns out that having more frequent sex requires a real commitment and, at first, it may seem like a bit of work.
Sex and marriage experts tend to agree that it takes real honesty, cooperation, and courage for you and your spouse to get back to normal.
2. You have other significant relationship problems (such as a lack of love)
When you and your partner are particularly busy or stressed, sexual intimacy can become a luxury, but affection and touch are basic human needs. Therefore, a lack of affection and touch can reflect deeper marital problems than the absence of sexual intimacy, especially in the short term.
3. You and your partner have incompatible sexual interests
Is it possible for two people who desire sex to find themselves in a sexless marriage? Absolutely, it is, especially if those people have radically different sexual needs.
This could mean disagreeing about how much or what kind of sex to have. You may not even realize that you disagree with your husband or wife on this issue, because many people find it very difficult to talk about this.
When couples simply can't talk it out, they may resort to a lot of typical missionary-style sex, which can get boring pretty quickly.
4. His asexual marriage has led him to infidelity.
When a couple's sex life has been suffering for some time, it might motivate one or both partners to seek satisfaction outside the marriage. Cheating in a sexless marriage only adds insult to injury and could be the breaking point where you and your spouse realize that divorce is the best option.
There are many reasons why you and your spouse don't get along, and they aren't exactly personal. However, an affair is often a symptom of underlying problems.
5. Your communication skills or those of your partner are poor
The inability to communicate with your spouse about sensitive, yet vital, issues is a clear warning sign of divorce. If you cannot communicate, you will not be able to solve your problems.
In fact, a failed attempt at communication can generate more and greater hurt feelings and misunderstandings for both spouses.
6. Your spouse is a sex addict
Having a spouse with a higher libido than yours does not automatically mean that they are a sex addict. However, if your spouse has a total lack of control over sexual thoughts, impulses, and actions, they may be suffering from sexual addiction.
Excessive sexual thoughts and behaviors can significantly affect your marriage and may pave the way for divorce.
8 potential signs of sex addiction :
- Obsessive sexual thoughts.
- Spending too much time on sex
- Feeling shame or depression
- Excluding other activities
- masturbate excessively
- Engaging in risky or inappropriate behaviors.
- Cheating on partners
Without treatment from a medical professional such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or sex therapist, a sex addict has virtually no chance of recovery. But With the right interventions, it is possible for a sex addict to recover. However, by the time they seek treatment, they may have already ruined their marriage.
7. Romantic, emotional, and sexual intimacy has disappeared from your marriage
When your spouse repeatedly prioritizes everything except your relationship with you, love and attachment can wither and die. Romantic and sexual intimacy releases feel-good hormones, such as endorphins, serotonin, and oxytocin, all of which play a role in building and maintaining a loving and healthy marriage.
Without intimacy, you're more like roommates than spouses, and your marriage can fall victim to "roommate syndrome." Couples with roommate syndrome generally live in an emotionally disconnected marriage, lacking passion and sex.
Can a marriage survive without sex?
Yes, assuming both spouses are happy with the lack of sexual relations (temporarily or permanently) and that, otherwise, the marriage is happy and healthy.
However, if one spouse has a strong sexual desire and the other is completely uninterested, the lack of sexual relations can generate many negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and resentment, which could eventually lead to extramarital affairs and/or divorce.
Spouses may choose to remain in a sexless marriage if:
- They believe the situation is temporary.
- Both partners have low libidos.
- Both spouses identify as asexual and do not experience sexual attraction.
- One of the spouses has a physical or mental health condition that reduces libido or performance capacity.
- Sex is less important to the couple than other aspects of their marital relationship (e.g., financial security, companionship, children, shared hobbies and interests, etc.).
- Love, affection, and emotional intimacy remain present in the relationship.
- The spouse who misses sex is willing to settle for "the devil they know" rather than risk the status quo by trying to find someone new.
- Religious or cultural beliefs neither permit nor disapprove of divorce.
3 tips for coping with a sexless marriage
- Consider receiving marriage counseling
- To have an open discussion
- Try scheduling sex
1. Consider receiving marriage counseling
If you are experiencing problems in your relationship but you and your spouse are not ready to end it, seek out a good marriage counselor and/or sex therapist and start talking. These people have dedicated their lives to fostering healthy marriages (and sex lives), and their hard-won wisdom should not be dismissed.
Sometimes, you need the skills of a counselor to solve your problems and communicate effectively. At other times, his willingness to seek counseling and start therapy is enough to show his partner that he cares and is willing to fight for the relationship.
If both are willing to make an effort, they are likely to overcome this or understand why they need to separate.
2. Have an open discussion
Marriage counseling can be quite expensive (although we would say it is much less expensive than a contentious divorce) and some people are simply not prepared to open up to a stranger about something as personal as their sex life.
While we recommend working with a professional, that doesn't mean it's impossible for you and your partner to do some of the work on your own.
There are many resources written by therapists available for free on the web, and there are relatively inexpensive online coaching courses, as well as books, that you can try. Simply learning to communicate well outside the bedroom can lead to good results inside the bedroom.
3. Try to schedule sex
According to Dr. Tammy Nelson, a nationally recognized sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want Sex itself is the best aphrodisiac. That means that sometimes you have to work on the logistics to make romance happen. This may seem contradictory, but it really works.
Like most of us, he's probably busy and possibly spends most of his waking hours running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Over time, you've probably learned that if you really want to do something, you'll have to program it yourself.
For many people, scheduling sex sounds decidedly unsexy, but it doesn't have to be that way. Did you know you can attach a photo to a Google Calendar event?
Well, I bet your partner didn't know either, which makes it a fun surprise in an unexpected place (unless it's a shared work calendar rather than a personal one, which might be more of a shock than a surprise for the working couple!).
Scheduling sex also gives you many more opportunities to set the stage. When you know in advance what's going to happen, you can leave the children at their grandparents' house, light some candles, put on sexy clothes, do role-playing, and be as noisy as you want.
Many couples already have regular date nights. Is what they do really so different from scheduling time for sex? Clarifying your expectations with your partner makes it more likely that you will get what you really want from the experience.
Final thoughts
A lack of sex in your marriage can be a sign of serious problems, but it doesn't have to stay that way.
Once you have the tools to identify the underlying causes and general concerns, you can open the lines of communication, which is almost always the first step to regaining your charm, without leaving your marriage for a sexual encounter.
If the love is still there, then you can make love again, unless there are permanent physical impediments.
So sit down with your partner and start talking: clothes are optional!